A while ago, a close friend who had been single for some time, asked me what could he do to find his ideal partner.
He said that he was tired of meaningless dates from Tinder and speed dating events with the kind of women he wasn’t looking for.
Marketing wasn’t a problem for him, that was obvious, week after week he managed to meet new people but without any luck. So I asked him if he had a more specific definition of his ideal partner.
He had a pretty clear idea: a woman with whom to live adventures, with self-esteem, physically fit, who loved to travel, had a job that allowed for a comfortable lifestyle and who had the potential to become a great mum.
Then, I asked him if there was anything he wasn’t willing to tolerate about her. He told me that not many, but he didn’t want a long-distance relationship or someone who spent all day complaining or in a bad mood. Oh! And neither someone with a bad smell (I thought it was better not to ask where that was coming from).
The problem wasn’t the lack of a clear goal either, so I only had one last shot:
— “That woman you’ve described to me, who do you think she’d fall in love with?”
The question surprised him at first, but after just a bit, he started to describe the ideal person for her: probably someone who dares to get out of his comfort zone, who made her laugh, who exercises regularly, is good at his job, takes good care of her and has some aspirations in life.
— “And how much do you resemble that person?” —I asked him.
— “Hmm…”
At that moment, he realised what I was suspecting. My friend was far away from being that person who would attract the type of women he wanted to be with; he didn’t exercise, he wanted to travel but kept postponing it because “it was never the right time”, he didn’t have clear goals in life and was going to dates expecting the other person to take the lead instead of treating them as someone very special.
The same principle applies to your goals.
It’s impossible to achieve them if you don’t become the person who’s able to attract them. And for that, you need to develop the appropriate traits for each goal.
It might seem silly to think of it like this, but in reality, it’s very useful:
Want some good-looking abs? Who do you think will attract them, a person who exercises every day or the one who goes from work, to eat and to the couch?
Maybe your goal is to get a good-paying job. Do you think that the job (or the person doing the interview) will feel more attracted to someone that has prepared a lot, is willing to work hard and has good references, or to someone who hasn’t done any of that?
It’s that simple. But not easy.
We tend to obsess over what we want without thinking about what the goal wants from us. And the truth is that until we’ve developed the traits that make us attractive, we won’t be able to achieve it.
So, what happened to my friend?
After our conversation, he decided to take it seriously and set up systems to exercise regularly, to get out of his comfort zone more often and to improve his involvement during his dates (giving far more than what he was willing to receive).
In short, he became the person able to attract his goal, in this case, his ideal girlfriend.
But did it work or not??
Sure thing! After some months, he met his actual girlfriend and soon after they went on their first trip together.